Currently Listening: Bon Iver
Crossroads. Seriously. I'm an actual crossroads. And it's so wonderful.
A couple years ago, everything I thought I knew about my purpose in life came crashing down around me. I felt duped. I felt rejected. I felt invisible. I felt fatherless all over again. I felt excruciatingly free. I felt and felt and felt until I just couldn't handle 'feeling' anymore; and I completely shut down musically. I'd like to say that I threw myself into other avenues of productivity, but I didn't. I was a lousy person for months. Even my garden was fallow while my heart flat lined.
But enough about that. I haven't been there in a long time. The Lord is tender. He didn't rush me. But eventually, it did take some Heavenly defibrillation to get a beat back into me. In response, a violent rush of music started surging out of me in a fast, angry flood. It was kind of like puking. It feels just awful and there is nothing polite about it, but you feel so much better afterwards. I paced myself and got every last drop of pent-up hurt out before bringing in fresh sounds.
Oh how awkward it was letting those first streams of joyful melodies escape from my soul. I had shiny new hooks, new chord progressions, and new ways of shaping lyrics. And gosh if they weren't all so perky and cheerful. The Lord literally took me back to school. (*insert compelling plug for Bethel's school of worship here*). I healed, and came back swinging.
After the fact, I realized something extraordinary- what I experienced was a mid-life crisis in my early 30's. What a remarkable gift! I have had to look, really look at my life and my dreams. What I previously considered to be a wonderful vision a few years ago was suddenly way too small. Too limited.
The Lord has reminded me of my foundations. He's reminded me of my time as an enthusiastic YWAMer, as a teenager with a bent towards wild experiences, and as a fledgling band member under stellar mentorship (everyone needs a Hicks family in their lives). While being reminded of the things seeded into me, I am also being asked the question, "so what do you WANT to do when the girls are out of school and you don't need to be a stay-at-home mom?"(I'm pretty sure I know.)
So, here I am, in this amazing season where I am a rejuvenated person with choices. I'm an individual with a unique set of qualities on the bedrock of my person- still there underneath the roles of wife, mother, teacher, etc. I feel free, deliciously free and thankful! So thankful that the Lord's leadership is giving me the chance to prepare for a future season of my life. I won't be a woman in my 40's experiencing an empty nest. I'll already be living on purpose
.... at least, I think that is the point of all this and it feels awesome.
wow. an even better read now, from the vantage point of 2018's closing days. proud of you. love you.
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